Mad as a Badlurr
by Bendatron
Summary: Zapp Brannigan drafts the crew into the marines and sends them on life or desth mission into an alien hellhole to negotiate with a bad-tempered, creul, ruthless tyrant with a Mr. T vocabulary.


Mad as a Badluur

(The crew are forced into the marines by Zapp Brannigan and are sent on a life or death mission into an alien hellhole.)

Shortened Opening Sequence plays

Caption: No News is Good News Everyone

Act One: "I think I know just the nobodies!"

(Act starts on a talk show called _Larry King's head_. Larry King's head is on a desk. Behind him is a bunch of multi-coloured dots in the shape of the continents.)

**Larry King's head** (to the audience): Don't forget, later I'll chat with Billionaire Bot about how he became so wealthy. Tonight we're talking to Captain Zapp Brannigan!

(Zapp Brannigan is sitting on a chair to the left of the desk.)

**Zapp Brannigan** (to Larry King's head): Hello Larry.

**Larry King's head** (to Zapp): Ok Zapp, what brought you into the DOOP?

(Zapp is looking away.)

**Zapp Brannigan** (turning his head towards Larry King's head): Oh! I don't know exactly. Kif, come here!

(Kif walks into the scene looking miserable and carrying a tray with some paper on it. Zapp picks up the paper and looks at it.)

**Zapp Brannigan** (to Kif): No no no, not this script, the other one next to my bowling socks.

**Kif** (miserable): Uhh, sometimes I wonder why I ever joined the DOOP either.

**Larry King's head**: Okay that's enough.

(The captions of the entire conversation start rolling across the bottom of the screen.)

**Larry King's head** (to the audience): Next week on Larry King's head...

**Zapp Brannigan**: Why are there captions of everything I said?

(Both Kif and Larry King's head sigh. The scene pans out to reveal it's on the TV in the TV room at the Planet Express building.)

**Zapp Brannigan** (on TV screen): I mean c'mon, the viewers at home have ears, unless they're like the earless people of the earless planet.

(The TV switches off. Leela has turned the TV and sighs. Fry walks in.)

**Fry** (to Leela): Hey Leela, what's you watching?

**Leela** (to Fry, frustrated): Just something annoying that you might never know.

**Fry** (to Leela): It was Zapp Brannigan, wasn't it?

**Leela** (to Fry, frustrated): Yes. I mean each time he just comes up with more and more hare-brained schemes to seduce me. I think it would be better just to give up.

(The scene cuts to the conference room. Amy is sitting at the conference table typing on her laptop. Hermes is sitting at the table looking at some forms. The Professor is asleep in his chair. Zoidberg is sitting on the Planet Express ship with an apple on his head. Bender is standing in front of the conference table holding a ray gun. He is attempting to shoot the apple off Zoidberg's head.)

**Bender** (aiming): Easy...Easy...If it worked for what's his name than it will work for me, Bender!

(Bender shoots but it just misses. Zoidberg grabs the apple with his face-flaps and eats it.)

**Zoidberg** (rubbing his tummy): Immm, yummy yummy!

**Bender** (angrily): Irrrrrr, how'd you like this Prawn Cracker!

(Bender shoots at Zoidberg. Zoidberg jumps off the ship and runs away.)

**Zoidberg** (screaming): Woop woop woop woop!

**Bender** (to the audience): Planet Express would like to warn all small children watching this program that shooting an apple off a lobster's head is a darn stupid thing to do, but it makes me look cool!

(A phone next to the Professor suddenly rings.)

**Professor** (waking up): Ahhhwahh!

(The Professor picks up the phone.)

**Professor** (into the Phone): Hello.

(The screen splits. On the right is the Professor on the phone. On the left is Megatron (as he looks like in the original Transformers cartoon) talking into a communicator connected to Soundwave (who also looks like what he looked like in the original Transformers cartoon))

**Megatron** (into the phone): You may have beaten me last time we encountered, but I'm not giving up so easy, Autobot scum!

**Professor** (into the phone): Pardon?

**Megatron** (angrily, into the phone): You know what I'm talking about, you will never defeat...

(The screen splits again. In the middle is Starscream (as he looks in the original Transformers cartoon) talking into a communicator. Behind him are Skywarp and Thundercracker (who also look like what they looked like in the original Transformers cartoon))

**Starscream** (into the phone): Now I'd like one Hawaiian, one vegetarian...

**Megatron** (shouting angrily, into the phone): STARSCREAM!

**Starscream** (nervous, into the phone): Megatron! Why are you working at the pizzeria?

**Megatron** (angrily, into the phone): Just get of the blooming phone!

**Starscream** (nervous, getting off the phone): Ahh!

(The Starscream split disappears.)

**Megatron** (into the phone): Anyways, you are doomed...Optimus Prime!

**Professor** (confused, into the Phone): Ehh, wha?

**Megatron** (into the phone): Is this Autobot city?

**Professor** (into the phone): No, this is the Planet Express building.

**Megatron** (into the phone): Oops, wrong number.

(The Megatron split disappears. The Professor puts the phone down.)

(Short silence)

**Professor**: What a strange man?

**Bender** (to the Professor): Listen, have you seen Dr. Zoidberg? I think I might do some target practice on him.

(Hermes picks up a bar of dark chocolate and bites into it.)

**Hermes** (mouth full): Oh mon, this stuff's darker than Voldermort and the Fallen combined!

**Zoidberg** (running in): Lord Volderallen, I love that guy!

**Bender** (pointing at Zoidberg): There he is! Come and get it!

(Zoidberg runs around whilst Bender tries to shoot him.)

**Zoidberg** (running around): Woop woop woop woop!

(Zoidberg hides behind Amy's chair.)

**Amy** (angrily, to Zoidberg): Grah, get away crab!

**Zoidberg** (cowering back): Don't hurt me...Please

(Bender angrily puts the gun down.)

**Bender** (frustrated): Irrr, stupid lobster! You know, you're only lucky I put Amy second on the _Do Not Kill List_. If it wasn't for that I'll be shooting at you like Clint East...Uh oh!

(Amy gasps excitedly)

**Amy** (to Bender): Ahhh, that's so sweet!

(Amy stands up and hugs Bender. Bender just looks nervous.)

**Bender**: It was wrong to share.

(Fry and Leela enter the room.)

**Fry** (to Bender): Hey Bender. Hey why's Amy hugging you?

**Amy** (to Fry): Bender said that he put me on his _Do Not Kill List_.

**Bender** (to Amy): Yeah, you weren't meant to hear that!

(The scene cuts to the underground White House. Richard Nixon's head is on a desk with the robotic arms out. Zapp and Kif enter.)

**Zapp Brannigan** (to Nixon's head): Mr. President's head, I believe I have been summoned.

**Richard Nixon's head** (to Zapp): Zapp Brannigan, we have war on our hands!

**Zapp Brannigan** (to Kif): Kif, I told you to wash them.

(Kif sighs. The screen turns on and shows a rainforest planet.)

**Richard Nixon's head** (pointing his laser-pointer at the planet): This is Badluur 87, a planet in the Badluur system. It wasn't long ago that they used to be part of the DOOP, but after the ambassadors came back three times dismissed, the new emperor broke away from their diplomatic ties and has started to explore military options...

**Zapp Brannigan** (to Nixon's head): Does that mean we will have a new army?

**Kif** (frustrated, to Zapp): Of course not, it's something much worse!

**Richard Nixon's head** (to Zapp): It means that they might be planning to take down the DOOP, arooooooooooooooow! Options?

**Zapp Brannigan** (to Nixon's head): I say we comply with this, THIS...IS...WAR!

**Kif** (to Zapp): Why am I the one who always has to correct you?

**Richard Nixon's head** (to Zapp): I'd hate to say it, but we don't need a war, we just need to sneak a force to the centre and badger them into surrender, thus ending the war before it starts.

**Zapp Brannigan** (dramatically): Very well, then send the marines in!

**Kif** (to Zapp): We need to draft.

**Zapp Brannigan** (to Kif): Why?

**Kif** (to Zapp): Because you sent all of them on a suicide mission to the underwater killbots!

**Richard Nixon's head** (to Zapp): We'll need to hire six foolhardy nobodies to go on a badgering mission of peace!

(Zapp thinks and comes up with an idea.)

**Zapp Brannigan** (to Nixon's head): I think I know just the nobodies!

(The scene cuts back to the Planet Express conference room. The giant screen comes on. Zapp Brannigan is on the screen.)

**Zapp Brannigan** (on TV screen): You've been drafted to the marines!

(Leela sighs)

**Professor**: Well it seems you'll be off!

Act Two: "Moving on..."

(Act starts at South Street Spaceport. A crowd of various human, robot and alien characters are gathered around the Nimbus. Zapp Brannigan and Kif are standing on a large stand with the Earth flag behind them. Zapp goes up to a microphone.)

**Zapp Brannigan** (into the microphone): Today, our brave marines go off to a life or death mission...to get rid of some badass alien trouble-makers!

(The crowd cheers. Bender pushes through to get the crew a good look.)

**Bender** (pushing through): Excuse me! Marine coming through! Out of my way! No time for squirts!

**Leela**: Oh lord! I bet this is just another hare-brained scheme!

**Bender** (excited): Yoo-hoo! Marines, yeah that's us! Especially me, Bender!

(A robot walks up and stands in front of Bender.)

**Bender** (to the robot): Yo buddy (whistle) do you mind getting out of my way?

**Robot** (to Bender): Pardon me sir, but if you want to see go find somewhere else.

**Bender** (to the robot): Hey, you're voice sounds familiar.

**Robot** (to Bender): Well I do get round, if you catch my drift.

(The robot turns around and it's the Masked Unit in his normal form.)

**Bender** (shocked): You, the Masked Unit!

**Masked Unit** (shocked): You... (Normal) Who the hell are you?

**Bender** (to the Masked Unit): I'm Bender, you know the guy who knocked you out cold at the theatre.

**Masked Unit** (to Bender): Oh yeah, (getting tough) now I believe we have some unfinished...

**Glab** (off-screen): All marines please come aboard immediately.

**Bender** (running off): Well so-long!

(The Masked Unit clenches his fists and growls. Fatbot walks up.)

**Fatbot** (to the Masked Unit): Gees, why'd you have a problem with that guy?

(The Masked Unit turns into his hulk mode. Fatbot covers his eyes.)

**Masked Unit** (hulk voice): I'll tell you why, WITH MY FISTS!

**Fatbot** (cowering back): Ahh, don't hurt me, please!

(Fatbot runs up to a mail box.)

**Fatbot** (scared): I'm feeling really nervous!

(Fatbot rips the mail box out of the ground and eats it. The scene cuts to characters boarding the ship. Boarding the ship is: Glab, iHawk, the jellyfish nurse, Reverent Preacherbot, Humorbot 5.0, Calculon, Fanny, Mr. H.G Blob, the army-recruitment officer from _War is the H-Word_ and lots of DOOP troops. The crew walks up to the entrance. Hermes is hugging LaBarbera.)

**LaBarbera** (to Hermes): Don't worry it'll be fine. Both Dwight and your job will pull through.

**Hermes** (to LaBarbera): Please, do me a favour if I don't come back.

**LaBarbera** (to Hermes): What?

**Hermes** (to LaBarbera): Never go back to Barbados Slim.

**LaBarbera** (to Hermes): Can do, can do.

(Hermes turns to Dwight)

**Hermes** (to Dwight): Son, if I don't come back you can have my office equipment.

**Dwight** (to Hermes): Dad, I'll treasure it.

(Meanwhile, Kif sees Amy among the crew.)

**Kif** (to Amy): Amy is that you?

**Amy** (to Kif): Yes.

**Kif** (to Amy): Oh Amy, have you come say goodbye to me?

**Amy** (to Kif): No, actually I'm going into the marines.

(Dramatic sting)

**Kif** (shocked): (gasp) But...but...

**Amy** (to Kif): Don't worry about me Kif, I'll be alright, Bender will look after me, he treats anyone he dated with the most respect he can give anyone.

**Bender**: Which is actually quite a lot.

(Amy kisses Kif on the cheek.)

**Amy** (to Kif): I love you.

(Amy walks back to the crew. Nibbler runs up.)

**Nibbler** (to Amy): Are you sure? Perhaps I should show him my photo album!

(Nibbler starts laughing. Amy just frowns and pulls his eye on a stork.)

**Bender** (to Nibbler): A little advice to you kangaroo rat, a joke's only funny if you don't use extortion!

**Nibbler** (to Bender): You mean black-mail.

**Bender** (to Nibbler): Eh, I like extortion better, (whispering) the ex makes it sound cool.

**Zoidberg** (complaining): Oh, I don't want to go to a dangerous mission, I could get killed or worse hurt! Oops, wrong way round!

**Bender** (to Zoidberg): Big problem for you yabby, I want to get into a fight! Yeah, a fight with lots of blood and teeth and blood!

(Zoidberg faints backwards.)

**Amy** (to Bender): I got a new battle tattoo; it's of a harpy eagle! Wanna have a look?

**Bender** (to Amy): Might as well.

(Amy pulls down her sweat pants to show Bender. Bender has a look.)

**Bender**: Ohh, neat!

(Meanwhile, Leela is saying goodbye to her parents.)

**Turanga Morris** (to Leela): Please be careful!

**Turanga Munda** (to Leela): You're our only child!

**Leela** (to her parents): I promise, please don't worry!

(The little girl from _A Leela of her Own_ comes up to Leela with a piece of paper and a pen.)

**Little girl** (to Leela): Please sign it!

(Leela picks up the paper and pen.)

**Leela** (to the little girl): What's your name?

**Little girl** (to Leela): Ahh, eBay.

**Leela** (signing the paper): Hmmm, sounds familiar?

(Leela gives the paper back to the little girl. The little girl walks off. Leela walks towards the entrance but bumps into Zapp and Kif.)

**Leela** (miserable): Oh lord!

**Zapp Brannigan** (to Leela): Well well well, the luscious Captain Leela, why not come to my love shack. I'm free on Fridays!

(Zapp raises his eyebrows suggestively. Fry walks up looking furious at Zapp. He is rolling up his sleeves.)

**Fry** (angrily, to Zapp): Who do you think you are, trying a pathetic way to seduce Leela?

**Zapp Brannigan** (to Fry): What, you and Leela, has the sensual Leela fallen for a scrawny and not-so brawny little squirrel?

(Zapp starts laughing his head off)

**Zapp Brannigan** (to Kif): Kif that rhymes put it down in my diary.

(Kif sighs and rights it into Zapp's diary.)

**Zapp Brannigan** (to Fry): But still my point remains clear, what are you compared to a real man like moi?

**Leela** (to Zapp): Since when were you a real man?

**Fry** (angrily, to Zapp): Oh yeah, well how'd you like this!

(Fry punches Zapp in the stomach but it just hurts himself.)

**Fry** (in pain): Ow!

(Zapp smirks)

**Zapp Brannigan** (to Fry): Ha, too much of a little wimp, eh?

(The Professor walks up with a handheld device and scans Zapp with it. The Professor reads the results.)

**Professor** (to Zapp): Certainly not! It isn't about Fry's strength; Zapp's stomach has three additional layers of fat!

**Kif** (frustrated): How come I'm not surprised?

**Scruffy**: Scruffy's going to miss them people.

(Fry, Leela, Bender, Amy, Zoidberg and Hermes board the Nimbus.)

**Zapp Brannigan** (to Kif): Kif, before they move into their rooms, could you connect the security cameras to my TV.

**Kif** (to Zapp): Actually, I'd like to ask you sir why you brought Amy in as a marine? She could get killed!

**Zapp Brannigan** (to Kif): Well I couldn't hire grandpa wrinkly and weak over there.

**Professor** (crazily): Ohhoho yes!

(The Nimbus takes off.)

**Hedonismbot**: Good luck boys!

(Hedonismbot grabs a ladle out of a pot full of soy sauce and pours it all over himself.)

**Hedonismbot**: !

**Tinny Tim** (selling newspapers): Extra extra, read all about it! Old lady eats horse and survives...also secret mission goes ahead!

(Meanwhile, the Professor, Scruffy, LaBarbera and Nibbler watch as the Nimbus flies off.)

**Professor**: Since our normal crew is gone, we will need you to deal with their delivery duties.

**LaBarbera** (pointing at Scruffy): Who the hell is this guy?

**Scruffy**: I'm Scruffy...the janitor.

**LaBarbera**: How come I've never seen him before?

**Scruffy** (to LaBarbera): Who are you then?

**LaBarbera** (to Scruffy): I'm Hermes's wife LaBarbera.

**Scruffy**: Oh.

**LaBarbera** (satisfied): Finally, things are looking up!

**Scruffy** (to LaBarbera): And you are?

(LaBarbera frowns. The scene changes to the Nimbus going through space. Everyone on the ship is gathered in a crowd in front of Zapp Brannigan, Kif, Glab and Nixon's head who are on a stand.)

**Zoidberg**: Move away! I want a look!

**iHawk** (to Zoidberg): Hey Doctor Incompadentberg, where's your medical license? Ha ha ha!

**Zoidberg** (angrily, to iHawk): Ooh, iHawk, my nemesis! You're my Moriarty, my Joker, my Dr. Cortex, and my Wernstrom!

(iHawk switches his switch to the maudlin side.)

**iHawk** (maudlin): No man here is a free one! (Switches to irreverent) No man here is'a free one!

**Zapp Brannigan** (through the microphone): Now you're all wondering why your here...

**Bender** (shouting, off-screen): I DON'T CARE!

**Zapp Brannigan** (through the microphone): In short please welcome ambassador to the planet Amphibios 9, Glab!

(The crowd claps as Glab walks up to the microphone.)

**Glab** (into the microphone): Greetings, today we welcome six new members to be our marines.

(A spotlight comes down and shines on Fry, Leela, Bender, Amy, Zoidberg and Hermes. Bender starts dancing.)

**Bender** (dancing): Do the Bender! Do the Bender!

**Solider**: No thank you!

**Bender** (angrily, to the solider): I said do it!

**Glab**: Moving on...

(Glab turns a hologram on and it shows the planet Badluur 87. She gets out a laser-pointer.)

**Glab** (through the microphone): This Badluur 87 and these are the badluurians...

(The hologram turns into a hologram of an alien. The alien looks like a humanoid bird with four legs, long spindly arms with metre long claws; the beak has tooth-like ridges on it. Everybody starts vomiting and saying words of disgust.)

**Hermes** (shocked): Sweet stromatolite of...well someplace that rhymes with stromatolite, that thing would make Zoidberg look attractive!

**Zoidberg** (waving his claws about): Hurray, I'm more attractive than an enemy alien!

**Glab** (through the microphone): It wasn't long ago that they used to be part of the DOOP, but after the ambassadors came back three times dismissed, the new emperor broke away from diplomatic ties and has started to explore military options!

**Zapp Brannigan** (to Nixon's head): Yeah, that's what you said president.

**Richard Nixon's head** (to Zapp): Don't mention it...EVER, aroooooooooow!

**Glab** (through the microphone): Our marine's job is to go into this hellhole, sneak into the high-security capital city and force the bad-tempered and savage emperor into surrendering! Well off to your rooms.

(The crowd starts moving to their rooms.)

**Fry** (to Hermes): Call me paranoid but I have a bad-feeling about this!

(Someone accidently bumps into Leela.)

**Leela** (to that somebody): Hey, watch it!

**Fanny** (to Leela): Leela it's me, Fanny.

**Leela** (to Fanny): Who?

**Fanny** (to Leela): You know the Donbot's wife, Bender and I had an affair.

**Leela** (to Fanny): What are you doing here?

**Fanny** (to Leela): Morale.

**Leela** (angrily, to Fanny): Well good for you!

(Leela storms off.)

**H.G. Blob**: Say, her voice sounds like actress Katey Sagal.

(The scene cuts to the Nimbus going through space.)

**Zapp Brannigan** (off-screen): Captains Log: Star date:..Kif is this the sixteenth or the seventeenth?

**Kif** (off-screen): Uhh, seventeenth.

(In the Nimbus, the men are training. On a stage Humorbot 5.0 is saying jokes.)

**Humorbot 5.0** (into a microphone): So I say to these three decopodians...

**Reverent Preacherbot** (to Humorbot 5.0): Silence, somebody's fallen unconscious!

**Jellyfish nurse** (to Preacherbot): Don't worry, he'll live. But I still think he needs to woken, probably by someone famous.

**Calculon** (to the nurse): Someone famous you say?

(Calculon grabs the microphone off Humorbot 5.0)

(Music plays)

**Calculon** (singing): _Who's this singing at your training?_

_It's Calculon!_

_Calculon!_

_Calculoooooooooon!_

**Bender** (running up to Calculon): Oh it's Calculon! Hi Calculon! Great singing Calculon! Remember me Calculon?

**Calculon** (to Bender): Well, for starters you came to me complaining about were-car mumbo-jumbo, then you become my hot-water heater, then you came onto my show and took it over and as I recall you joined my league then took over that as well and ultimately over-all made my life (angrily) ROBOT HELL!

**Bender** (to Amy); See, he remembers me!

(The scene cuts to Leela walking down a hall way. She accidently bumps into Zapp.)

**Zapp Brannigan** (to Leela): So, you finally came crawling to the Zapper!

**Leela** (frustrated, to Zapp): Of course not! I'm not even walking towards you're room!

**Zapp Brannigan** (to Leela): But I bet you were thinking it!

(Leela growls and punches Zapp in the face. Leela walks away.)

**Zapp Brannigan** (regaining conscious): Now let's try that again a little lower and a lot softer!

(The scene cuts to the dining tables. Bender and Hermes are playing two-up. Zoidberg walks up to the table and eats the wood and coins.)

**Zoidberg** (rubbing his tummy): Imm, wood! Wood and metal!

**Hermes** (angrily, to Zoidberg): You darn horseshoe crab!

**Bender** (putting his feet up): Well enough of this crap game which I was defiantly winning.

(An alarm suddenly rings. The crew run off to the deployment bay. The crew stands outside a futuristic submarine.)

**Glab**: Step inside.

(The crew steps in.)

**Leela**: Oh-oh! Shouldn't I be at the helm?

**Hermes** (to Leela): Don't worry; I put good enough intelligence at the wheel.

(The scene cuts to Bender and Amy at the pilots seats.)

**Bender** (picking up a gargoyle): What the hell is this for?

(Leela slams open the door.)

**Leela** (angrily, to Hermes): You put Honkey and Donkey in charge!

**Hermes** (to Leela): Hmmm, looking back on it now it's not such a good idea. Ok Leela, you'll be our cap...

(The scene cuts to the pilots' room. Zapp, Kif and Glab are getting ready to shoot the submarine to the planet.)

**Zapp Brannigan** (to Kif): Let's shoot em' out!

**Kif** (to Zapp): Sir, I don't think that's wi...

(Zapp slams Kif's head onto the fire button. Kif sighs. The submarine is blasted towards the planet. The crew all scream.)

**Zapp Brannigan** (off-screen): Good luck!

Act Three: "Who's going to stop me?"

(Act starts on a river side on the rainforest planet of Badluur 87. The forest is swarming with strange and exotic animals.)

**Leela** (off-screen): Mission log: My crew and I have crashed on the planet Badluur 87. There's no turning back now, the only way out now is to do what needs to done...

**Fry** (to Leela): Leela, we don't even know where the temple is!

**Leela** (to Fry): Actually we have a holo-map in this thing I have on my wrist.

**Hermes**: Oh mon, this place is weird; endless swampy forests, unbearable stench, squelchy underfoot, strange animal noises, it's just like Zoidberg's butt! The important thing is to stay together.

**Zoidberg** (scared): I still think we need help! I'm calling Captain Brannigan.

(Zoidberg gets out a communicator.)

**Fry** (shouting): No!

(Fry rolls past Zoidberg, grabs the communicator and slaps Zoidberg in the face.)

**Zoidberg** (to Fry): Ow, that really hurt!

**Fry** (to Zoidberg): You'll thank me...perhaps.

(Fry throughs the communicator into the water. It hits a monster on the head. The thing looks like a really skinny crocodile with sixteen pairs of legs. The monster comes out of the water growling. The crew all scream. The scene cuts to the Planet Express building. In the Professor's lab the Professor is going to show LaBarbera, Scruffy and Nibbler a new invention.)

**Professor**: Good news everyone, behold my new invention a device that can turn DVDs into computer programs!

(The Professor walks over to a lever and grabs it.)

**Professor**: I don't know what the point of it is though.

(The Professor pulls the lever. The wall opens up and there's nothing behind it.)

**Professor**: What, where's it gone?

**LaBarbera** (to the Professor): Wait, you mean that big funky thing behind the go-go walls?

**Professor** (to LaBarbera): Yes, what of it?

**LaBarbera** (to the Professor): I put it up on eBay. It would be sold by now.

**Professor**: Whe-what?

(The scene cuts to the Decepticon hideout. Shockwave (as he looks like in the original Transformers cartoon) is on a computer. Starscream and Thundercracker walk up.)

**Starscream** (to Shockwave): Hey, I wanted to buy that myself!

**Thundercracker** (to Starscream): Since when would you want a machine that turns DVDs into computer programs? Also, since when did you buy on eBay?

**Starscream** (threatening, to Thundercracker): Since when was it any of your bees...

(Megatron smashes in.)

**Megatron** (angrily, to Starscream): STARSCREAM, you attempted to buy human food! And when I say human food, I mean food that humans' ea...

**Starscream** (to Megatron): Megatron, I can explain everything...

(Laserbeak (as he looks like in the original Transformers cartoon) swoops down and starts pecking at Starscream's face. Starscream squeals in pain.)

**Soundwave** (to Laserbeak): Good Laserbeak, there's a 100% chance that you'll get treats later.

(The scene cuts back to the Professor's lab. The Professor is furious.)

**Professor** (angrily, to LaBarbera): You just sold it!

**LaBarbera** (to Professor): Sorry mon, I didn't know what it was.

**Scruffy** (sarcastic): That makes perfect sense.

(A small rat walks across the table and Nibbler eats it whole.)

**Nibbler** (rubbing his tummy): Imm, ambrosia!

**Professor** (furious): That's it, its official! You're barely good enough to top my old crew! For once the role of delivery crew isn't expendable! There's absolutely no way you can be good as my old crew, (pointing at Hedonismbot) especially you Hedonismbot!

(Hedonismbot is scoffing down grapes.)

**Hedonismbot**: I apologize...for nothing!

(The scene cuts back to Badluur 87. The monster is lying on the ground dead. The crew walk through the bushes with their clothes torn and looking pissed off.)

**Leela** (angrily): You know, this is the worst planet I've visited!

(Bender is putting the gun he used in _Bender's Big Score_ into his cabinet.)

**Bender**: I did like the part where the thing screeched in pain as I killed it.

**Leela** (to Fry): By the way Fry, why'd you throw away our only communicator?

**Fry** (to Leela): Can you keep a secret?

**Leela** (to Fry): Anything to find out.

**Fry** (whispering, to Leela): Even though I know you can't stand Zapp, I still can't let him get another chance at you!

**Leela** (whispering, to Fry): But how could he have another chance?

**Fry** (whispering, to Leela): I don't know, maybe he'd put some sort of drug in your drink.

**Leela** (to Fry): Fry, I could never sleep with Zapp, even if I get drugged.

(Leela kisses Fry on the cheek. Fry smiles.)

**Hermes**: Bad news, when that thing attack us it ruined the holo-map in Leela's wrist-thing! We might never find the temple...

**Amy** (pointing at something): There it is!

(Astonishing sting)

(The scene pans out and reveals a huge temple resembling cross between Aztec pyramids and the Taj Mahal. The crew sneak into it. Two badluurian gunners are sleeping at the entrance gates.)

**Fry** (quietly): Ewww, those things are even grosser up closer!

**Zoidberg** (loudly): Hurray...

(The crew shushes Zoidberg.)

**Zoidberg** (sadly): Oh.

(The crew sneaks passed the gunners. The crew crawl behind some hedges towards the doorway into the temple. Two badluurian guards stand outside the doorway.)

**Leela** (quietly): Okay, now we have to find a safer route, those guards could blow our cover.

(Bender gets out his gun.)

**Bender** (quietly): I could terminate them!

**Amy** (quietly): I could show them my battle-tattoo!

**Hermes** (quietly): Those two options would blow our cover!

**Leela** (quietly): We're boned!

**Badluurian guard #1** (to the other guard): Hey, that's my ring!

**Badluurian guard #2** (to the other guard): So what?

**Badluurian guard #1** (to the other guard): My wife gave that ring to me at her father's death bed!

**Badluurian guard #2** (to the other guard): Your wife can (an animal calls out in the night concealing what the word is)!

**Badluurian guard #1** (to the other guard): What?

**Badluurian guard #2** (to the other guard): I said she can (a potted plant falls off the roof concealing what the word is)!

**Badluurian guard #1** (angrily, to the other guard): Well you can (the wind gets loud concealing what the word is) yourself!

(The badluurian guards start fighting violently. The crew sneaks past them.)

**Bender**: Idiots!

**Badluurian guard #2**: What?

**Fry**: Ahh, nothing!

**Badluurian guard #2** (to the other guard): You just called me idiots!

**Badluurian guard #1** (to the other guard): No I didn't, and that's bad spelling!

**Badluurian guard #2** (to the other guard): Oh, so you're a nerd!

**Badluurian guard #1** (angrily, to the other guard): No I'm not! I'm going to kill you, you idiots!

(The guards continue fighting allowing the crew to sneak through the doorway. The scene cuts to the Nimbus. In the pilot room Zapp and Kif are at the helm.)

**Kif** (to Zapp): Sir, I really think we should help the marines...

**Zapp Brannigan** (to Kif): Kif, what we definitely don't need now is your "I really think we should..." attitude!

**Kif** (to Zapp): Maybe I have been too harsh on Amy since she slept with you...

**Zapp Brannigan** (to Kif): I don't know nothing, but I think she still has something for the robot...something valour!

(Kif sighs. The scene cuts to the badluurian temple. Inside the strategy room four badluurian generals are strategising. The crew are hiding behind some tables and are looking on the generals.)

**Zoidberg** (quietly): There they are, (frill opens up) let's get em'!

**Leela** (to Zoidberg, quietly): No!

(Zoidberg's frill goes down.)

**Fry** (quietly): Exactly...why!

**Leela** (to Fry, quietly): Because we have to see their plans first!

**Badluurian general #1**: I say we hit the Neutral planet first...

**Badluurian general #2**: What a wimp! If we really want to make a mark, let's hit the Globetrotter homeworld first...

**Badluurian general #3**: No, hit Amphibios 9 first...

**Badluurian general #4**: Imbeciles, if we really want to show the DOOP a lesson about what happens when they dismiss our ambassadors we should hit this miserable little planet...

(The fourth general turns on a hologram of Earth.)

(Dramatic music plays)

(The crew gasp quietly.)

**Badluurian general #4**: This planet, named Earth, will be a perfect start in the dissolving of the DOOP! We send all our forces to every continent; America, Europe, Africa, Asia, Australia and even Antarctica, and when they huddle down in fear we will be on a hot-streak to win! Finally we will reveal our true strength; at last we'll have...

(The fourth general walks up to a curtain and pulls it off revealing an army greater and stronger than the DOOP army.)

**Badluurian general #4**: REVENGE!

**Badluurian general #3**: Master will repay us!

**Badluurian general #2**: He'll give us gold...

**Badluurian general #1**: And jewels...

**Badluurian general #4** (licking his chops): And liquor!

(Bender tries to attack the generals but Zoidberg and Hermes pulls him back.)

**Badluurian general #4** (evilly): They won't know what hit em'!

(All four of the generals laugh evilly.)

**Bender** (angrily, quietly): No one, I repeat, no one get' between me, Bender, and liquor!

**Badluurian general #3** (picking up a fridge magnet of Earth): Plus those earthicans are dump at design, just look at their fridge magnets.

(The magnet suddenly flies out of the general's hand and lands onto Bender's head.)

**Bender**: Oh-oh!

(Bender suddenly jumps up and starts dancing.)

**Bender** (folk-singing): _I still got the hots for a pink sweat-suit wearing..._

(The second general walks up to Bender and pulls the magnet off.)

**Bender**: Thank god...OH-OH!

(The generals grab guns and point them at the tables that the crew are hiding behind.)

**Badluurian general #1**: Come out already!

(The crew comes out with their hands up.)

**Fry** (to Bender); Wow, I knew that magnets make you sing folk, but I never knew it made you say lies.

**Leela** (whispering, to Fry): I don't think it made him say lies!

(Fry thinks for a second.)

**Fry**: Oh, I get it!

**Badluurian general #4** (angrily): SILENCE!

**Badluurian general #3**: I should have known the DOOP would send in their snoops to spy on us!

**Amy**: We were just on our way out...

**Badluurian general #4**: Silence, you know too much! Let's take them to our emperor!

(The generals bring the crew to the emperor's throne room. The room is full of jewels and gold. At the end of the room is a huge throne-chair. The emperor is sitting on it holding a large staff. The emperor speaks like Mr. T.)

**Badluurian emperor** (angrily): What is this you fool?

**Badluurian emperor #4** (to the emperor): These are DOOP marines.

**Badluurian emperor**: These are the creatures that the DOOP sent in to defeat me, ha, pathetic suckers!

**Hermes** (to the emperor): Who are you?

**Badluurian emperor**: I am the emperor!

**Fry** (to the emperor): Wait, if you're the emperor, how come you sound like...what's his name...the Jewellery Man?

**Badluurian emperor** (angrily): SILENCE SUCKER!

**Bender** (to Fry): He has a point Fry, plus it's Mr. T.

**Leela** (to the emperor): What is your plan?

**Badluurian emperor**: Well, since you can't get out from this point, I might as well explain. First we attack one planet under DOOP control. Then we attack another planet. And so-on, until every planet under the control of the DOOP has fallen! Goodbye DOOP suckers!

(All of the badluurians laugh evilly.)

**Fry** (seriously, to the emperor): You won't get away with this!

**Badluurian emperor** (evilly): (laughs evilly) who's going to stop me?

**Fry** (seriously, to the emperor): You haven't won yet!

(Fry grabs a scimitar from the pile of treasure. The generals point their guns at Fry.)

**Badluurian emperor** (angrily, to the generals, standing up): Back away fools! I'll deal with this bug myself!

(The emperor throws away his staff.)

**Badluurian emperor** (evilly): A new power is rising!

(The emperor grabs a scimitar and jumps down from his throne. He lands in front of Fry. He performs some snazzy, complex, impressive moves with his scimitar. Fry tries to perform some snazzy moves with his scimitar but accidently hits Zoidberg off-screen.)

**Zoidberg** (in pain): Ow!

**Fry** (to the emperor): Okay, this duel's going to be simple! Man versus...big...scary...alien man!

(Fry and the emperor start fighting with their scimitars. After a few minutes of fighting nothing has changed.)

**Leela** (picking up the staff and handing it to Bender): Bender, do the honours.

(Bender grabs the staff and wacks the emperor on the head with the staff. The emperor falls down.)

**Fry** (to the emperor): So do we have a deal?

**Badluurian emperor** (to Fry): Ok, ok, I surrender...sucker.

**Fry**: Zam!

(The scene cuts to Tinny Tim selling newspapers outside the Planet Express building.)

**Tinny Tim** (selling newspapers): Extra extra read all about it, war stops!

**Randy** (to Tinny Tim): What news on the old lady?

(The scene cuts to the conference room. The Professor is playing checkers with himself at the conference table. The crew arrives in.)

**Fry** (to the Professor): Hey Professor!

(The Professor turns around and sees that it's his crew.)

**Professor**: Oh thank god, you're back!

**Bender**: Yeah, we're back baby!

**Professor**: Now please stay round here, please, anything to get me away from what I've experienced over the...well I don't know, twelve hours!

**Amy** (to the Professor): Smease Professor, it couldn't have been that bad.

**Professor**: No, it was worse!

**Bender** (to the Professor): Well, you're in luck, I've called together I big party tonight with Hasbro representatives!

**Leela** (to Bender): When are the guests arriving?

(A door bell rings.)

**Bender** (to Leela): Right about now.

(The crew walk to the front-door. Bender opens the door and Autobots (all as they look like in the original Transformers cartoon) come in. The Autobots are; Optimus Prime, Bumblebee, Ironhide, Ratchet, Jazz, Prowl, Arcee, Ultra Magnus, Silverbolt, Air Raid, Jetfire, Wheeljack, Trailbreaker, Hoist, Hound, Grimlock, Swoop, Rewind, Steeljaw, Ramhorn and Blaster.)

**Optimus Prime** (to Bender): Are you Bender Bending Rodríguez, descendant of the sport-utility robot?

**Bender** (to Optimus Prime): You know it, large and in charge!

**Fry** (to Bender): What is Optimus Prime doing here?

**Bender** (to Fry): Duh, Transformers is a Hasbro trademark!

(The crew and the Autobots walk into the hanger bay.)

**Bender**: It's party time! Hit it Blaster!

(Blaster transforms into a boombox and plays _Til All Are One_ from _Transformers: War for Cybertron_. The Autobots start dancing.)

**Optimus Prime** (dancing): Now this is the right for all living beings!

(Bender, Amy, Fry, Leela, Zoidberg and Hermes start dancing like how they danced at the end of _The Mutants are Revolting_. The Professor simply waves his arms around. The credits start rolling. As the credits roll, _Til All Are One_ from _Transformers: War for Cybertron_ continues to play.)

The End


End file.
